I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
