dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
