I am in a vortex of obligation.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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