I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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