Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
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After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Pants are for mortals
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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