Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wish life had little blips of pornography
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.