remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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