i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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