i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
