I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
