If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
