Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
