shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
