OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
