Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
