i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
smell my finger.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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