dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
