maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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