I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I deserve this hangover.
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