Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
