I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
