oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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