I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
