Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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