and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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