My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
