You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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