I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
