do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
