I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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