And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
This house was built for laser tag.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
