Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
