does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
