and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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