glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
