her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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