Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
