We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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