Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
