I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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