i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
