i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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