His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize