i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
