Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
