She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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