Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
