all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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