yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
