Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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