I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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