i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
