I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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