A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
