I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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