Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
