He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
