Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
