Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
