sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
