Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
